Kim Go

I am an artist in the expressive, installation and performance arts. I write because of our shared cultural beliefs about loss offer far too few tools to people working with grief. When I was very young, I thought little about impermanence. Then, my personal encounters with impermanence grew to include such challenges as: my father's death in early childhood, a near-death experience in adolescence, divorce, fertility challenges, death of a soul mate and spouse and subsequent loss of access to stepchildren, mugging and assault, pet loss, job loss, suicide of two close friends, and geographic resettlement. Perhaps we have something in common... perhaps not. I have learned that the specificity of the loss does not matter as much as the condition of the heart to be open to others who are learning to be present and alive regardless of the impermanence in their story.

Articles:

Reconstructing Memories After the Loss of a Loved One

Did you know that your memories are not like a hard drive in your mind? Memories go through a process of reconstruction every time we conjure them. When we remember something our nerve paths fire as if a fresh experience is occurring. And, memories can be amended, even added to! New information can come forward that might have been in the receding areas of your awareness. Many grieving people worry over forgetting their loved ones. Take this concern and actively work with it. I thought I might share a couple unusual ideas (aside from just looking at photos or reading […]

Compassion Fatigue When Helping Others

Compassion fatigue is a term often applied to medical personnel providing support to those facing traumatic circumstances. This powerful term can be applied to numerous alternate settings. The setting that I would like to apply it to is the act of peer caregiving for the bereaved. There can be tremendous or hidden stress as a result of being engaged and involved with traumatized and grieving people. My aim is to help those who would like to develop endurance as peers in grief to create practical conditions to sustain an even level of support. First, know that what you do as […]

Grounding Techniques to Deal with Panic Attacks

DISCLOSURE: I am not a therapist or trained medical professional. If your want to use this technique, you can consult with your expert therapist or doctor. Most average people can address an impending panic attack with tools and knowledge to reduce the likelihood of slipping into a state of panic, flashback or dissociation. I want to introduce you to a “grounding technique.” The idea behind a grounding technique: As the name implies, “grounding” is a way to “ground” you in the present moment. In doing so, you can retain your connection with the present moment and environment. General Instructions: You […]

Three Mindfulness Techniques for Grieving People

Mindfulness practitioners offer the insight that resisting our pain often deepens our pain. What can manifest when we resist our pain? When we attempt to cripple our awareness and pain, the inner wisdom will reliably refuse to back down. So, inner wisdom shows itself in a crippled fashion, perhaps in the guise of panic attacks, physical malady, sleep disturbance, rage, dissociative behavior, crisis, abusive self-medicating or other insults to the body, mind and spirit. The mind can become tormented – as the Buddhists characterize it – the “monkey mind.” I should say that I am not a specialist. I am […]

Child’s Death in Tucson Triggers Universal Question: Why?

When we learn of a tragedy, like the gunning down of Christina-Taylor Green, the 9-year-old Tucson girl, a whole nation mourns in confusion. Even though her death is external to our own system of intimate connections, it can still trigger many complex emotions and struggles. Greater minds than ours have been challenged by such senseless loss. The question of “why?” will reliably surface in the thoughts and conversations that ensue. This is a normal, human response. Usually, despite all the mind gymnastics we do in times of wrongful death, we all end up in the same place: We possess no […]

Elizabeth Edwards’ Eyes

What interests me about Elizabeth Edwards were her eyes. Perhaps her lovely aquamarine eyes were merely a result of genetic inheritance, but I sense that those eyes were much more than that – that they reflected her inner, transcendent character. Her luminous eyes might also serve us as a lens that we might borrow through which we can view our own challenges. She was, indeed, a bearer of the “gospel of resilience.” The word gospel means “good news.” For all of us who struggle with issues of fidelity, child loss and terminal illness, her story offers numerous symbolic places to […]

Holidays With Feeling (and Little or No Money)

Before my life partner Brian died, the holidays looked VERY different than they do now. Before Brian died, ample money was spent on transport, hotels, meals… and the children’s gifts. Brian loved to spend money on his children – they grew accustomed to nice gifts and activities. My financial limitations after Brian died were daunting. Doing the holidays with less – one less person whom you loved, less money, less energy, less decorating, less food – can be a really tough situation. However, I found that with little to no money, and targeted energy, you can still create “holiday feeling” […]

400 Years Later, Shakespeare’s Grief Resonates

William Shakespeare was acquainted with great grief. Learning this has deepened my admiration for the playwright and what he has penned about grief. The Bard, as Shakespeare is often referred to, was one of eight children. The family experienced multiple losses. First born to parents Mary and John Shakespeare was Joan, who lived two months after birth. Margaret, the second child, died at one year of age. William was third-born and was the oldest surviving child. Next was Gilbert and then another daughter, also named Joan, survived. The next child was Anne, who died aged 7 when William would have […]

A Memory Game for Grieving Children

This version of the typical children’s memory game (known in some circles as Concentration) is for grieving families to share memories of a departed one. It was therapeutic for me to make, and while playing, the kids rehearse memories as they refine their recall and spacial skills. Materials: – cardboard large enough to make your template – large sheets of scrapbook card stock – scissors – pens – cold laminate sheets (optional) First, create your template shape on cardboard. I chose a heart shape to reinforce that Daddy loved them – you can pick any shape that you want. Cut […]

The Power of Showing and Telling Your Grief

Ancient wisdom and modern science both encourage us to be expressive when we are grieving. MRI (magnetic resonance imaging) research reveals that the brain’s blood flow changes with emotional stress. Blood flows away from the left side – the logic, detail and language center. It flows toward the right side, where feeling, symbols and imagination reside. Perhaps the body needs more than logic and language during stressful events. There is a story about the children who survived the 2004 Indian Ocean tsunami and their residual terror of the ocean. For months, nothing counselors did could pierce the children’s fears of […]

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